Contentment, Confusion, & Ego Disidentification

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Hi Amy,  I just want to tell you how content I felt after our last group meeting. I felt so comfortable in meditation and really happy to be where I was. It’s so amazing to witness the growth everyone is going through, and inspiring. I am filled with so much gratitude to be here. Last night Miles and his dad Q came back. I think he’s going to be ok. Doctors said he could have had a seizure, it’s possible for that to happen when the body is going through an intense experience like a colonic, and if it happened because of that, it’s unlikely to happen again. I’ve realized how much I love being alone. It’s important for my building of confidence, I feel so stable right now, especially because I’m so light on food… Today I went to Long Island and neither of my parents are here so I went to let myself in and the key was stubborn. I immediately got frustrated, tried getting in through the windows, felt myself acting like a 5 year old, cried a little, and then I meditated with the key in my hand relaxed, and then opened the door! It felt great. Thank you soooo much!!

***Beautiful Darlin, way to relax into – you see that releasing your mind unlocks all the doors… Yes, alone time is crucial, never to be underestimated. As much as we need companionship and community, solo time is just as vital. Maybe after time Miles Dad will try again with the colonic, feel it shows just how much he actually needs it – enemas could help him to work up to it so he’s not so full. I feel so content the other night after group as well. We are so very blessed to be in this together and witness one another.  I’m soooo deeply grateful, wowie. Love you much! Amy

    Yes, I have felt far away myself, but I think that I needed to go there. After a nice time in the Hamptons spending ambling time on the beach with friends, having a raw dinner party, teaching, and enjoying, I found myself restless and exhausted by not being in my own space. I could not beat it. My heart knew that I did not want to be there anymore. I needed to get back home in NYC. So Saturday night I left after dinner at my friend’s place with his family. Everyone was so jovial and their house is beautiful, but it was yet another reminder that I still have not found that space for myself. It has been nice being back in the city. I am really giving myself the opportunity to relax a bit. Feels good, but I am still restless. Work hangs over my head and I feel ever ambivalent about what I am doing. I am learning what I do not want, but I do not know that I have found what it is I truly want.

***Are you putting attention to heading the voice in your heart, its tugs and promptings – your intuition?

    I keep putting this piece off in my life and it is time that I really focused my attention there. 

***There you go – once you do, that nagging feeling will probably subside, especially as you truly act on it.

    Last week I was really getting into my morning meditation and pranayama, but over the last couple of days, I have felt a listlessness. The old resistance teacher, but right now there is no fight, just ennui. I do not want to be hard on myself over it, but it is clear that as September begins I fear what is to come.

***What’s comes is a result of what is – of what we are thinking and feeling – feel and think as you have been and thats what will present itself.  Just as an apple seeds makes apples, so is the same with the seeds of our thoughts.  What feelings and thoughts are presenting themselves deep inside that long to be acknowledged – that which wants your attention to be cultivated?  By letting go, making space for listening, you will know – then courageous action will be required – that courage is now to listen.   Instead of fearing it you can see it as a grand adventure and opportunity… and the end of the roller coaster.

 I fear the challenges of work and of getting my schedule together. Deep breath. I have control. 

***Really?  Maybe that what the problem is…

    Sometimes it does not feel this way. Been wanting to stay in bed in the morning which feels weird to me, especially given that the last two days have been absolutely spectacular. Again, just watching  and holding these patterns in awareness. Funny now that I am up and writing, I feel better. Slowly learning to organize my practices.

***Surely sounds like a deeper acknowledgment is calling you – even though the external may have a certain appearance that is pleasing, if the internal is unsettled (unacknowledged) we will probably still feel out of sorts.  You know what to (not) do.

Commitment has been this funny word and I love that it came up in my session last week. Beginning to see what we talked about. Maybe it is not so much that I have to make these practices and this lifestyle other tasks to complete, rather that I will live my way into seeing that there is no other choice and that they are part of fulfilling and realizing what I truly want. That said, I struggle against the acceptance. Again because I have not embodied what I truly want.

***Seeing self punishment at work and the confusion/tug of war it creates, we can choose to step outside of it all and simply be present with it – really nothing to do – just everything to be present (aware) of… by being willing to give up the struggle – acceptance will naturally endure. Our path and practices aren’t goals to accomplish so we can feel we are doing something about ourselves, nor are they to be perfected so we will then feel we are free.  We know its about the journey and not an illusionary destination.  We have our whole lives to practice – lets be sure we’re living and not losing our life along the way due to being somewhere other that right where we are.  Who are you without something to become or accomplish – and is that good enough?  If so, what does your life look like right now?

    Thank you for the daily reminder to check in. I was getting there, but it was nice to be towed in by your words. I send you love and look forward to connecting soon. Going to see how I feel today, go over some of my session questions, be easy. Will call you this week.

***Beautiful. Easy does it darlin…Love, Amy

Thank you for your responses. Listening does take courage and I am slowly finding my way. There is a greater calling, but it is not so clear yet. I will continue to sit with it and ask. Today, acceptance was very clear in my intention and as a result of using Tool 10. When I finished my sit, a voice cried make it fun. For today love what you do. Let life guide you to that love. Funny because I had gone to sleep and had asked my dream teacher to show me how  to cultivate love of self and in my livelihood. My dreams did not offer answers, actually they were quite disturbing really, nightmares, but then when I listened there it was, be easy, accept. Thank you for your support. I need it right now. Much much love.

***Of course!  You’re welcome.

     Listening does take courage and I am slowly finding my way.

***What matters is the steps we take within stillness.  We know there’s no right or wrong way, or really a slow or fast way – there’s just the experience of being we’re having… take away the critic and judge and there’s just experiencing.

    There is a greater calling, but it is not so clear yet. I will continue to sit with it and ask.  

***What if its really just to be and everything else we do just represent that?  May the doing be being – no matter what that looks like in our life circumstances.

    Today, acceptance was very clear in my intention and as a result of using Tool 10. When I finished my sit, a voice cried make it fun. For today love what you do. Let life guide you to that love.

***Ah – relieve right?  Nothing like is comic relief!

    Funny because I had gone to sleep and had asked my dream teacher to show me how  to cultivate love of self and in my livelihood. My dreams did not offer answers, actually they were quite disturbing really, nightmares, but then when I listened there it was, be easy, accept. 

***Many your dreamtime did give you insight – into the disturbances you are experiencing around the question you poised… I recommend that you stay steady and keep consistently working on the same question. 

Thank you for your support. I need it right now. 

***Big big hug. Can you make it to group?  In times like these you know its quite important to allow yourself to be loved – lean in love… feel free to call me anytime – are you reaching out? Much much love,  And to you doll. Love, Amy 

dear Amy, Thanks for writing. I am well, will be back on the 11th but i might have to go back, It is a very transforming experience. I feel people’s ego here because they have a stong one but it seems that my is fading when i feel them so strong. Also, I have been taking about good care of me, somedays better than others, but overall good,

*** I encourage you to very much imprint upon your heart and mind that there is no other people’s ego just as much as their isn’t a personal ego. How could it be personal (or someone elses) when there is ONLY ONE EGO?  What we witness in others is what has the potential to exist within us.  Witnessing the tenacity in ego in others can fool us into believing we are without it.  All of this is quite dangerous actually – ego is quite tricky, lets remain the witnessing observer balanced in the literal practice of equanimity.  Otherwise we may get caught in our heads “thinking” we are beyond ego.

    I read the messages you send every days or every other days, and i connect with them intentionaly. Thank you for the support i receive up here, I forgot to sign up this week but sign up for next week on saturday, with love.

 ***Your welcome.  I noticed you signed up already.  We’ll talk then. Much Love, Amy

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